Prom

Last weekend was Clark’s prom. My brother is now a junior in high school and able to go (at Clark only juniors and seniors can go, freshman and sophomore can if asked by an upperclassmen). Jeff took his girlfriend to prom so I went back Friday evening to watch Grand March and take a bunch of pictures. It’s the first prom I’ve been at since I went to my own and it was such a weird feeling. I can remember all four, yes four, of the proms I attended as a freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior. I remember the excitement of picking out the perfect dress, going to get my hair done, doing my nails and make-up, and getting a gorgeous bouquet of flowers. I can’t believe it’s already been five years since my last prom. The most unbelievable part is that my little brother is old enough to be taking his girlfriend to prom! My sisters were both there as well and prior to the start of Grand March we were talking about our proms and Melissa made the comment that she and Steph both attended their senior prom with the men they are now married to! Then of course Jeff had to start teasing me about the guys I dated, but since I married an amazing man he can only tease so much!

Going to Jeff’s prom made me realize how much is going to happen in the next year. He’ll play his final sports, have his final homecoming, go to his senior prom, and then graduate! I enjoy being able to see him go through all of this and still distinctly remember how I felt when I went through it all.  



2011 Prom



Healing

This year is off to a rocky start. I want to heal and move forward from some things. I think the best way for me to do this is to let it all out, say what happened, and stop trying to hide. My family and closest friends know what happened, they also think I’m “fine” or maybe they know me better and don’t, but that’s what I keep saying. In the last two months I have said “I’m fine” more times that I could possibly count. I have put a smile on my face and pretended I’m not broken, but I am. Exactly two months ago I had a miscarriage. I’ve grown to hate that word. I hate hearing it, I hate thinking it, I hate saying it, but sometimes it’s all I can think about.

One of the happiest moments of my life ultimately produced the worst week of my life. Yes, a week. I took a pregnancy test on Saturday morning and it wasn’t confirmed until Thursday that I was miscarrying. I thought I might be, things just weren’t normal from the moment the test said ‘Pregnant’. I went into a clinic Monday morning and had blood drawn. The blood draw confirmed I was pregnant, but either I was miscarrying or in a very early stage of pregnancy. I had to wait until Thursday to have my blood redrawn and that afternoon they called back and confirmed my HCG levels had decreased and I was miscarrying. I told myself I was okay. I never had a chance to get excited about a baby or get attached, but that’s a lie. I was attached the moment I took the test. I’m not putting all this in my blog and available to everyone because I want sympathy. I don’t want sympathy, it’s the last thing I want. I’m writing about it to help me heal and also because I’m tired of feeling like there’s an elephant in the room all the time. There’s this huge part of my life that I’m not suppose to talk about. I want people to know this happened so that if it happens to them they know they have someone they can talk to. I also want people to stop asking me when I’m going to have a baby, right now that question makes me want to run out of a room crying.  

I also really need to express my gratitude for some truly amazing people in my life, because I’m not sure they know how much I appreciate them. My husband, of course, is amazing and carried me through not only that week, but also the last two months. He went with me when I got my blood drawn and let me deal with my emotions anyway I needed to whether it was crying on his shoulder, yelling at him for no reason, avoiding the situation, or being deliriously optimistic. My family is also amazing. My mother listened to my rambling phone calls, Steph listened to my freak out moments, and Melissa and Stacy just understood better than anyone else could.

I’m healing and moving forward and my only hope is that someday this can all be a distant memory that doesn’t make my heart ache or cause a million unanswered questions to bombard my thoughts.

Family Visits

I love my family and I love when they visit. I've always known how lucky I am to have such an amazing family. When I married Neil it made my family that much better because I gained some amazing in-laws and the best of all, Neil. This weekend my parents, sister, and niece came to visit. I had called my dad Thursday to ask if he'd be coming with and he said he hadn't planned on it because someone needed to feed the cows Saturday. Thankfully, God was on my side Friday morning because Thursday night the ground froze enough that my dad could double feed and come with! We had a great Friday evening with Kayla running all over and being super cute. Neil had to work his last Saturday so it was just me and my family running around Sioux Falls. Unfortunately, mid-afternoon found us back at my house making plans to stay in because poor Kayla was sick. She couldn't even keep water down and was so hungry we had to hide food from her because she didn't understand it would just make her throw up more. There's nothing sadder than a sick baby and we all wished we could be sick for her.

I was able to get one thing on my list accomplished this weekend with my dad here. He installed a light fixture in our living room for us! I am so thankful to have a dad that knows how to do that stuff. He also agreed to let us put him to work finishing our lower levels. We have framing, HVAC, and electrical done, but he said he could do the drywall for us and then we only have to pay someone to tape and texture the walls. Thank you daddy for all your help, we both appreciate it very much!

Now we only have to wait about 5 weeks to have more family visit. We're already getting very excited to host our first holiday and have Neil's parents, sister, and our newest nephew visit!

Sisters and Church

Saturday was Neil’s first of five Saturday’s that he has to work. I was prepared to have a pretty lazy day at home and maybe run to the mall and do some shopping. Saturday morning my sister, Steph, called and asked if I wanted to come up to Watertown and go to State Gymnastics with her and my other sister, Melissa. I wasn’t going to turn down a chance to spend time with my sisters. Even though I’m just two hours away it’s not often that all three of us get to be together without kids or other family. I am very glad I went. We went to gymnastics from 11-2 and then went to Guadalajara’s for lunch and margaritas. The second session started at 5 so we wasted some time wandering Menards, Target, and Wal-Mart and then I dropped them off before heading home. I’m glad I went, not because the day was overly exciting, but because I got to spend time with my sisters. I’m amazed every time we’re together, now that we’re all grown-up and over the sibling rivalry/fighting, because even though there are three of us, there’s no third wheel. Gymnastics is definitely something they have in common, but I never once felt left out, and we don’t get bored with each other, even if we’re looking at paint colors or shopping for necessities rather than fun stuff. The three hour drive was even worth it and I hate driving! I am just thankful to live close enough for impromptu sister days.

Sunday Neil and I officially became members of a church! We have been attending Embrace regularly since July and love it. We had to take two classes and then fill out some paperwork to become members. We finished our second class on Thursday and just had to turn in paperwork to make it official. Sunday morning was also the morning that the church officially became a chartered church so we thought that would be a great day to turn in our paperwork and become members. It feels great to be members of a church and I can cross another thing off my list of 101 Things to do in 1001 Days!

Too Personal

Anyone beginning to read this I will warn you right now this post is going to be a rant. Your choice to continue or not…

I was watching a talk show the other day and they were discussing questions that are just too personal to ask someone. One of the questions really hit home. Neil and I have been married nine months now and I can’t even count the number of times we’ve been asked this question, even prior to our wedding day. It’s a question we’ve heard from family, friends, co-workers, and people we barely know. I definitely don’t know where people got the idea that it’s an okay question to ask, but the dreaded question that I hear far too often is: “So, when are you going to have children?”

There are so many reasons I think this question is far too personal to ask anyone. First of all, what if the couple doesn’t want children, there are people that are happy without and never see themselves as wanting a child. Neil and I are definitely kid people and want children, but I don’t see anything wrong with not wanting kids. It’s a personal decision. Secondly, there is the possibility the couple can’t have children, is trying and not succeeding, or has suffered one or more miscarriages. If any of these are the case then the question just opened a very deep wound.

Maybe others don’t agree with me. Maybe this isn’t that personal of a question to them. I was raised in a very close, but private, family. We don’t ask a lot of questions because we know when a person’s ready they’ll come to us and talk. I am by far the least private person in my family and talk about most things very openly. Yet, I am so thankful that this question has never been asked of me by my parents or siblings.

I understand that I live in South Dakota and almost everyone marries and has children. Maybe that’s why people don’t think it’s a personal question. Just realize that before you ask what seems like a simple question that you have no idea what is going on with the couple and the question may not be quite as simple as you mean it to be.  

Just What I Needed

When I first started at ACS the office closed whenever the Sioux Falls Public schools closed, just to stay consistent. In December the closing guidelines were changed so that two people in our office decide when to close and when not to. This morning the Sioux Falls Public schools were closed and on my drive to work I was thinking how great it would be if our office was closed. I had so much stuff sitting at home that I haven't been able to catch up on lately. This weekend we went back to Clark for my nephew's first birthday party, Monday I was having stomach issues and spent the evening on the bathroom floor, and yesterday I just wanted some time relaxing with my husband! So this morning I was wishing for a free day at home to catch up. When I got to work I found that one of the ladies that has the power to close the office decided that we would be closed today. Yippee! I was so excited, I didn't even mind that I had already gotten ready for work and been there for an hour when the decision was made. I went straight home and made a list (I'm a list person) and started crossing things off. I am happy to say that everything is finished and it's only 4:00pm! This means I can now work on some of those boxes that we haven't quite unpacked yet and get supper made before Neil's home at 6pm.

Here's what I proudly accomplished today:
-pictures (finally) hung in our bedroom
-entire house dusted
-bathroom cleaned
-kitchen counters cleared off
-ALL the dishes done AND put away
-garbage taken out
-kitchen swept
-all the laundry washed, folded, AND put away
-Brownie's spilled dog food swept up
-fridge cleared out of leftovers
I was even able to have lunch with my husband and take an hour nap, Brownie very nicely curled up at the foot of the bed and remained quiet the entire hour!

In the middle of getting all of this done it struck me that God is once again looking out for me. Just this morning I had been thinking and praying for a day off because I have been unable to take any time off since the other Community Relations Support quit and they haven't hired a new one yet. Sioux Falls schools never close and the weather's not even that bad, yes it's cold, but it's SD. I had gotten to work just fine and we could have easily stayed open, but we didn't. All of this I have to thank Him for. He knew I needed a catch up day and only He could have made it happen for me. So once again I am in awe and so very, very thankful.

Difficult Times

This past week has been very difficult for a couple people that I love very much. The first is my sister-in-law and her husband. Last Wednesday they welcomed their second child, a beautiful baby boy. Thursday when they were supposed to be discharged from the hospital and take him home they found instead he needed to be admitted to the NICU. He is doing much better, but he still remains there and unable to go home for a few more days at least. The only thing I can do is pray. Pray for my newest nephew to heal quickly, pray for strength for his parents, and pray for the doctors and nurses who are caring for him. I believe this is helping him, as does my sister-in-law. Every prayer helps him to heal.

The second person is one of my best friends. Saturday was supposed to be the happiest day of her life thus far, her wedding day. Heartbreakingly, her fiancé called off the wedding last Wednesday. I sat on the phone with her telling me what happened in utter disbelief. I did not know what to say to her. What do you say to someone whose whole word was just flipped upside down? I’ve been through bad break-ups before where I felt like the world had ended, but that’s not even comparable to this. I told her God has a plan, even if she can’t see or understand now, and she agreed. She knows God will help her through this and has a better plan for her life, but right now, it’s hard to stay focused on that. Again, all I can do is pray. Pray that God is with her, that He helps her through this.

Difficult times, whether my own or someone I love, allow me to become even closer to God. I am so very thankful for that relationship. I am thankful that I know Him and believe that He is always there. When I feel helpless, when there is nothing I can say or do to heal someone’s pain, I know He can. When I’m in pain I know He’s with me. Right next to our front door, we have a frame with a quote that says, “When you see only one set of footprints in the sand, it was then that He carried you.” I know this is true. I believe He carried me through my dad’s 14-month deployment. That is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and although it was only six years ago I barely remember it. This last Christmas I was trying to remember the Christmas we had when my dad was in Iraq and I can’t, it’s like he never left. Someday my sister-in-law and friend will know that feeling. For now, I pray for them to get through one day at a time.